Tool to Use To Deal With That Special Trouble Causing Person in Your Life.

This is a al-anon  12 step acronym to remind your tender people pleasing heart  not to engage with a high conflict person.


Justify: We feel like we have to justify our behavior and choices because its very painful  to have others upset with us. The bottom line is you don’t owe anyone an explanation or reason for your choices. Also, Bullies or Narcs. will use it against you.

Arguing: Disengage if they are rehashing the same disagreements repeatedly without resolution or blaming. They don’t want to fix it or reach understanding

Defending: You are being verbally attacked and you naturally want to defend yourself. Stop and think first is this person trying to manipulate and get a rise out of me. It is hard for your people pleasing mind to wrap around the thought that people actually do this. This  is foreign to you and They’re part of a recurring destructive pattern to draw you into an argument. 

Explaining: This is a hard one. I am going to state what I learned word for word here because it captures what we as people pleasers do and why.

We tend to over-explain ourselves because were afraid of upsetting others and we don’t feel its valid for us to make our own choices or do things for ourselves. Because were very afraid of rejection and criticism, we over-explain ourselves in order to prove that its acceptable for us to set boundaries, spend money on ourselves, or even make a mistake.

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